Most of the time when we have amygdala hijacks it's because of having to deal with situations that are triggering, and for which we don't have the tools to manage. Our body sends us a message to run because it doesn't know any other way to deal with them. Here are some tools I've learned over the course of the last year:
1) MEDIUM CHILL:
This I found on a forum on BDP, which is what I thought my mother had until I found NPD:
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8928.0;wap2
2) DON'T JADE:
Do Not Justify
Do Not Argue
Do Not Defend
Do Not Explain Yourself
to a Narcissist or anyone with N tendencies, or anyone who attacks you, accuses you or tries to smear your reputation. Actually, come to think of it, let's add nosy and gossipy people to this list too. Oh, and trolls, cyber or otherwise.
http://the-one-you-feed.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/JADE
3) SAY TO YOURSELF: "THEY CAN THINK WHAT THEY LIKE" * when you start taking care of yourself and you know that they won't approve. Let's face it, when we were killing ourselves to keep them happy, they still wouldn't approve of us, so what have you got to lose?
This really works, it's like Narc "kryptonite". I now could not care less what my FOO think of me, or what my sister tells people about me.
*(credit to blogger CS from Caliban's Sisters for coming up with the concept)
4) Be Ready to Walk Away.
After we bought the car we have now, I was telling one of my friends, who is a salesman, that I hadn't liked the car salesman at all. He said to me: "ALWAYS be ready to walk away". Even though the advice was a bit late for the car, I think it's applicable to people too if you want to maintain healthy boundaries.
5) Quickly Change The Subject when talking to jellyfish, that is, if you have to talk to them at all. I try to avoid them like the plague myself. (Jellyfish is the term that the character Bridget Jones uses to describe people who love making stinging comments. Blogger T Reddy @ In Bad Company brought this term to my attention, and it has been really handy.)
6) Respond, Don't React. Easier said than done, I'm afraid. So learn everything you can about the Art of the Response. There's a lot of books and articles which deal with the subject. Also check Kitty's post on Reactivity.
(This post is going to be a work in progress. If you have any more suggestions for the tool kit, let me know and I'll add them to the list.)
Ahhhhh. For some reason, I find this post extremely soothing, and just what I needed at the end of a long hellish work week, the heartache of Boston, and the countdown to a FOO event I won't be attending. I'm going to read and re-read it. thanks for writing it Kara.
ReplyDeleteThese are great! I don't always remember to use them, but when I do they work.
ReplyDeleteThis is great Kara. I have been making a list of the things I've learned in the last year too. I think it's helpful to see them all listed out.
ReplyDeleteThank you guys, I appreciate the feedback. :) xx
ReplyDeleteGreat list, Kara! Thanks also for the links, esp. voicelessness. This is all such important stuff to remember, and such a huge help for dealing with...difficult...personalities. Will look forward to the ongoing project, as you can't have too many coping skills in this area!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kitty
You're welcome Kitty. The voicelessness site is brilliant. I'm going to put this post on a page so it's easy to find when we need it.
DeleteLove,
Kara xx
Excellent!
DeleteMorning (afternoon) Kara. iN addition to the great advice above, I find it helpful to realize that any time am amygdala hijack starts, we can tell ourselves that others truly DON'T have any power over us. Not really. We give them their power when we let them impact how we feel. Make it temporary, then get back to your own square. love CS
ReplyDeleteSo true xxoo
DeleteI needed this list to validate some tools I have been using this year. Medium Chill is easy for me to do, but I was actually worried it may not be healthy to keep emotions out like that. When I use it though, I am actually amused by the N's surprise rather than threatened like they intended.
ReplyDeleteHi RTB,
DeleteThanks for dropping by and giving feedback. I suppose the Medium Chill would be very unhealthy if we were doing it to everybody all of the time. In a way is not so much that we're keeping our emotions in, but that we're protecting ourselves from being sucked in into theirs. I think of it as an umbrella, it's in my bag, but I only take it out when it rains. ;)
Love that "I think of it as an umbrella, it's in my bag, but I only take it out when it rains."
DeleteSometimes when it rains, it pours ;).
I keep thinking of the Indiana Jones clip. What are tools I have.
"Sometimes when it rains, it pours ;)" Tell me about it... ;) xxoo
DeleteGreat list! Thank you for the shout out.
ReplyDeleteI used #2 with my SiL and BiL. It was when the returned back and I was better prepared for her behaviours.
Love the list, and it offers great reminders when I fall into the hole. xxoo
Thanks TR, these tools do help, remembering to use them it's what becomes a challenge sometimes. xxoo
Delete