The Cracked Vessel

While checking the link on Adrenal Fatigue that CZBZ put in her comment to the post On Supplements I came across this:
"Exposure to other people’s pathology (and the corresponding emotional, physical/sexual abuse) can, and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD.  Our psychological and emotional systems are simply not wired for long-term exposure to someone else’s abnormal psychology.  Often the result is a conglomeration of ‘aftermath’ symptoms that include PTSD, which is described as ‘a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.’

The profound and long-term effects of PTSD create what I refer to as a ‘cracked vessel.’  The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person.  While treatment can ‘glue the crack back together’, and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again."

It shed light on why as soon as life gets too hectic or I am dealing with too many "arrows" at once, I crash. Badly. I lose all the energy in my body. I am unable to move. It's as if the body has "yanked" me out of life into a "repair workshop" and I am not allowed to move until the work is done. DH said to me yesterday that my problem is that I don't stop when I'm tired, and I had to agree. It makes sense that the inner compass in my body just takes the reigns and makes me stop whether I want it or not. One of the articles in the website discussed the need for people who have been through trauma to "live a gentler live". Can I live a "gentler life"? Looks like I'm going to have to learn how to. No point being so busy and then crashing so badly that you can't do anything for days. 

On this last crash I was so drained I couldn't even write but I was able to sketch a little. I was going to attempt to do a sketch inspired by the painting in the post on The Cracked Vessel, and in Modigliani's style for CZBZ -whose profile is a painting of Modigliani- for sharing the link. So I had one go and it was ok, but I wasn't exactly what I wanted. Then I had another idea: to sketch Jeanne Hébuterne  with her dress as a cracked vessel, and this is what came out:

Healing Tools 2: Essential Oils

   

"It was only in 1989, that scientists discovered the amygdala gland plays a major role in storing and releasing emotional trauma and therefore called the "seat of our emotions." The amygdala gland is the gatekeeper through which all sensory data to the brain are processed. The sensory data first goes to the amygdala gland where it is determined if this data needs to be sent to the adrenal glands first, for fight or flight, or on to the brain for further processing. It essentially processes knowledge about stimuli and situations that are of special importance to our survival. The amygdala is programmed to react without benefit of input from the thinking part of the brain. So, when we experience a traumatic situation, fear or any other unpleasant circumstances this is recorded in the amygdala first and then sent to rest of the body (i.e. adrenal glands or thinking brain) to be processed. Studies at New York Medical University proved this gland does not respond to sight, sound or touch but does respond through the sense of smell. Through our scents we now have a way to release stored emotional trauma in the amygdala gland and the rest of our body." (from http://www.optimumchoices.com/Emotions.htm )

Not long after I started blogging, I found an article that discussed the relationship between maternal neglect and lack of magnesium, which mentioned how blue chamomile essential oil  combined with magnesium and vitamin D helped to relieve anxiety. I tried the combination and it did work: I no longer feel the "hole" of not having a supportive mother. I can't quite tell you how it happened, all I know is that, gradually, the feeling disappeared. I think that's the thing with oils, they're very subtle but powerful at the same time. 

The link above has a fair amount of information. I have found the oils to be particularly useful when dealing with stressful situations. 

Don't Panic : A Guide For ACoNs

Most of the time when we have amygdala hijacks it's because of having to deal with situations that are triggering, and for which we don't have the tools to manage. Our body sends us a message to run because it doesn't know any other way to deal with them. Here are some tools I've learned over the course of the last year:

1) MEDIUM CHILL:
This I found on a forum on BDP, which is what I thought my mother had until I found NPD: 
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8928.0;wap2

2) DON'T JADE:
Do Not Justify
Do Not Argue
Do Not Defend
Do Not Explain Yourself
to a Narcissist or anyone with N tendencies, or anyone who attacks you, accuses you or tries to smear your reputation. Actually, come to think of it, let's add nosy and gossipy people to this list too. Oh, and trolls, cyber or otherwise.

http://the-one-you-feed.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/JADE


3) SAY TO YOURSELF: "THEY CAN THINK WHAT THEY LIKE" * when you start taking care of yourself and you know that they won't approve. Let's face it, when we were killing ourselves to keep them happy, they still wouldn't approve of us, so what have you got to lose? 
This really works, it's like Narc "kryptonite". I now could not care less what my FOO think of me, or what my sister tells people about me. 

 *(credit to blogger CS from Caliban's Sisters for coming up with the concept)

4) Be Ready to Walk Away.
After we bought the car we have now, I was telling one of my friends, who is a salesman, that I hadn't liked the car salesman at all. He said to me: "ALWAYS be ready to walk away". Even though the advice was a bit late for the car,  I think it's applicable to people too if you want to maintain healthy boundaries.

5) Quickly Change The Subject when talking to jellyfish, that is, if you have to talk to them at all. I try to avoid them like the plague myself. (Jellyfish is the term that the character Bridget Jones uses to describe people who love making stinging comments. Blogger T Reddy @ In Bad Company brought this term to my attention, and it has been really handy.)

6) Respond, Don't React. Easier said than done, I'm afraid. So learn everything you can about the Art of the Response. There's a lot of books and articles which deal with the subject. Also check Kitty's post on Reactivity.

(This post is going to be a work in progress. If you have any more suggestions for the tool kit, let me know and I'll add them to the list.)

Healing Tools 1: Music and Poetry

After using numbness as shield to protect my feelings from deep pain for so long and now realising how hard it is to sit with your feelings and let yourself feel what you are actually feeling; of lately, I have been surprised to discover that there is a plus side to removing the shield: I get to feel the healing effects of beautiful words and music. Whereas before I would hear a song or a poem and I would think: "oh, that's beautiful" now I don't think it, I feel it. There is light at the end of this tunnel...
This is one of my favourite poems/songs at the moment. 

Us Against the World

Oh morning come bursting the clouds, Amen.

Lift off this blindfold, let me see again.
And bring back the water, let your ships roll in, in my heart, she left a hole.

The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties.
The devil, as he's talking, with those angel's eyes.
And I just wanna be there when the lightning strikes.
And the saints go marching in

And sing slow it down,
Through chaos as it swirls,
It's us against the world.

Like a river to a raindrop,
I lost a friend.
My drunken has a Daniel in a lion's den.
And tonight I know it all has to begin again,
So whatever you do,
Don't let go.

And if we could float away,
Fly up to the surface and just start again.
And lift off before trouble just erodes us in the rain
Just erodes us in the rain
Just erodes us and see roses in the rain

Sing slow it down
Slow it down

Through chaos as it swirls,
It's us against the world.
Through chaos as it swirls,
It's us against the world