Tuesday 1 January 2013

Rediscovering Cinderella

Émile Bertrand 1899
(image in the public domain)
The first opera I ever saw was "Cinderella".  I only went to the performance because one of our friends didn't want to go on her own. Before that, I always thought that opera was quite possibly one of the most boring things ever. The performance would change my mind forever. 
Cinderella was never a story that I paid much attention to when I was little. My absolute favourite was "Sleeping Beauty". (subject for a whole other post...) However, of lately I have been musing on the story of Cinderella a lot. Particularly as it is portrayed in the 1950 Disney film. On how it's such a fitting allegory for what happens in the lives of Adult Children of Narcissists. In the film, the Stepmother agrees to let Cinderella go to the ball provided she finishes her chores and finds something suitable to wear. Cinderella believes her words and works really hard to accomplish these tasks. However when the time comes and she's ready to go, the Stepsisters -being used as flying monkeys by their mother- destroy her dress so that she can't attend. It is clear that the Stepmother never intended to let Cinderella go to the ball at the palace, but she never says an outright no; she just keeps moving the goal post. Covert aggression in all its glory... It reminds me so much of the times when I toiled to have a good relationship with Narcissistic types, and nothing I did brought me closer to the person or improved the relationship in any way. Nothing Cinderella did would have ever made any difference: there was a reason why the Stepmother was keeping her in that position. She wanted  to eliminate competition so that Cinderella would not outshine her or her daughters and, while we are at it, an unpaid servant. So all the time that you're scratching your head wondering why nothing you do makes any difference, you're looking at the wrong reason for the problem. You think it's you, and that you're not trying hard enough, because if you did, everybody involved would be happy. But it's not you. Their act is a ruse.  They're only saying whatever is needed to keep you in the place they want to keep you in. You think that they mean what they say because you do mean what you say. But believe me, they don't.
The analogy that I had in mind, though, is something else. In the film two mice make a dress for Cinderella out of the scraps being thrown away of what's not needed for the making of the dresses of the Stepsisters. Real life "Cinderellas" don't have mice that help them to make a dress. They have to make the dress themselves. We try to build a life for ourselves with whatever scraps of emotional resources we've been able to scramble together, only to have it all torn to shreds by our FOO the minute they realise that we've made it and are indeed "going to the ball". That's how I felt a couple of years ago: I had worked really hard to make my life happy only to have my sister come and invade it as if it was her royal right. By the time it all exploded, I felt like Cinderella: standing desolate with my dress in tatters, wondering what to do next. In the story, this would be the bit where the Fairy godmother appears and makes her a new, more beautiful dress. In real life, as you very well know, there is no Fairy godmother (not even a "real" mother, for that matter, to help you rebuild it), so you have to start again. So you have another go and "start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss" as in the famous poem* and build it up again. The life I have been able to create for myself in these last two years is so much better than what I had before, or of anything that I could have possibly imagined. An unexpected surprise that, unlike the Fairy godmother's gifts to Cinderella, will not be over at the stroke of midnight.

*"If" by Rudyard Kipling

15 comments:

  1. My, I do love a good analogy! And hurrah for you, that you've created for yourself what you should have had from the beginning - and there's no expiration date as long as you don't allow the NFOO back into your life! It's good to have our OWN lives, isn't it? I just love my little, quiet life.

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    1. Thanks Toto :) Quiet life is lovely, isn't it? Though it's uncanny how they sense you're back on your feet, my sister is already trying to get back in and entirely on her terms.

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  2. Hi Kara, as I read this I thought about my sisters, who spent new year's eve watching movies with my narc mother. She has literally bumped me out and replaced me as one of the sisters (the 'eldest'). This lets her feel she has siblings (she's an only child) but still pull rank and privilege as "the mother." I am out in the cold. Admittedly, I live far away, and they all live near each other; but my NM has said my sisters are "her support network." Keeping me out keeps her in. That's the formation. If I had my sisters, then she'd be "pushed out" and would have to assume the maternal role, one she only wants for power. I can see the logic clear as day. And they enable it, calling it a "shame there are obstacles to family get -togethers" (euphemism for not inviting me to niece and nephew's weddings). They all enabled my mother's plagiarism by telling me to back off and let her "have it": "what does it take away from you? Nothing." they said to me. Except that it's plagiarism. And I'm the one out in the cold. I wouldn't want to be in that system anymore anyway, but it's distressing, as you well know, to be maneuvered into the bad child role. As you said above, when they realize you've made it to "the ball" on your own, they have to try to tear that down. Hopefully we can move forward anyway, despite the sad weight of their behavior. I've never been a fan of opera, because I'm ignorant of it. But this makes me want to go to the opera version of Cinderella.

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    1. The continuous changing of "roles" depending on who is available is worth a whole other post. Your sisters should not be her "support network" (unless she was 90 and disabled), she should be THEIR support. One of the things that really help me see what was going in my FOO is that it was always the same one (ME) that had to make allowances for my brother and sister, never the other way round. They aim for the reasonable, gentle one because it's much easier to make friends with us than to make friends with them, if they actually called them on their stuff. Like the Seinfeld episode of "The Soup Nazi", where Jerry admits it'd be much easier to make up with the girlfriend than with the Soup Nazi, so he chooses to appease the Soup Nazi at the expense of the girlfriend. So, basically, the one with the most foul temper/scarier wins. It takes some time to "see" this but once you do you just can't take it anymore. So when your sisters say "what does it take away from you?" the answer is "Actually, a lot: my dignity as a human being, respect for my intelligence, the belief that the members of the family are fair" I could go on... It's isn't fair to expect one member to be the one that always gives way. And we did do it. Until we just couldn't anymore.

      The secret of enjoying opera is subtitles. I know that connoisseurs would probably cringe at this very idea, but for me it isn't fun to sit there watching scenes and people singing without understanding a word of it. With the subtitles is like watching a (sung) play. Cinderella is a good starter but I would recommend "The Barber of Seville" , it's a comedy and it's really funny.

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    2. DH says he recommends Carmen: the bullfighter character is a classic narcissist.

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    3. Ahhh, Carmen is one of two operas I've ever seen. REally liked it actually. The other one was the Magic Flute, and I can't remember anything about it. Subtitles the key--I'll pay better attention to that the next time I go.

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  3. Very nice post, Kara. I think the fairy tales and myths of the world are full of stories about narcissists because they tell the epic human struggle of good vs. evil. In a very real way, this is the battle we're all fighting, all the time, with others and within ourselves. Trying to be good, to do the next right thing, to face the bad and triumph over it. I love how you brought it back to yourself, that it is ultimately up to us, because there is no fairy godmother to rescue us. Or maybe, that she lives within us, and we need only to learn to call on her in time of need...

    Anyway, thanks for a thought-provoking post. Would love to hear about Sleeping Beauty sometime, too...

    Kitty

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    1. Thanks Kitty, I agree. It's about resisting the pull of the "dark side" and taking the higher road.

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  4. This is a wonderful post, Kara. I hadn't thought about Cinderella like that before.

    Did your sister follow you to where you live now?

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    1. Thanks Jess. I believe my sister is trying to get back in. She can't really follow me, at least openly, to where I am now, because it would make her look like a stalker.

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  5. What a treat to read your blog this evening! Cinderella is one of my favorite fairy tales because it wasn't too gruesome but it foretold my future (and yours, too) with resentful and nasty sisters.

    By the way, my sisters and I went to see the opera only a few years ago---back when I was under the illusion that they had grown up along with me.

    Cinderella's resourcefulness making a ballgown from scraps, befriending the mice everybody else ran away from, and willingly extending her trust to her wicked stepmother and sisters, was only betrayed yet again. Then finally, her trust was rewarded with the discovery of a trustworthy partner (note that he is 'regal', befitting her moral character). She didn't just give up and turn into an old codger like her big-footed sisters. She continued to be her 'true self' despite the situation.

    So I would say that it's inspirational how you took charge of your life by protecting yourself from your sister's attempts to steal your shoes...instead of waiting for a fairy godmother to fix everything for you. Disney fairy tales can be a bit 'passive' that way and then they lose their punch!

    I also liked your comment: "Your sisters should not be her "support network"". Exactly! Just like the ugly stepsisters and their mother...

    And we definitely have THIS in common: "it was always the same one (ME) that had to make allowances for my brother and sister, never the other way round."

    Never. Even sixty years later, the "Soup Nazi" gets her way because its easier to 'make up' with me. That was a great comparison. Thank you!

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    1. Thanks CZBZ. I had missed the analogy of "Cinderella befriending the mice everybody else ran away from." I have always done that too.

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  6. "We try to build a life for ourselves with whatever scraps of emotional resources we've been able to scramble together, only to have it all torn to shreds by our FOO the minute they realise that we've made it and are indeed 'going to the ball'."

    Gawd, YES! This has happened to me over and over again, and it never occurred to me until very recently that NM actually had an active hand in making sure it happened. Thanks for this analogy, it is so apt.

    and, "That's how I felt a couple of years ago: I had worked really hard to make my life happy only to have my sister come and invade it as if it was her royal right."

    I had just been thinking today about how hard I'd worked and how far I'd come -- more than once -- to build a very good, valuable, well-rounded life, and how it's now as though it never happened, only worse because of the lingering scraps of evidence that She co-opts as goads to shame and belittle me.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It sucks that anyone goes through this, but knowing that other people also get re-invaded makes me feel less like a failure.

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    1. Thanks Cassandra. Your comment made me think of us like a kid that's building a beautiful sand castle in the beach only to have a jealous kid to come and destroy it. However, we know how to build a castle and can rebuild it again whereas all they know how to do is destroy other people's castles. They never learn to build. We are not a failure, they are. ;)

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    2. That's a good analogy. :) Thanks.

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