"Del dicho al hecho hay un gran trecho."
"From saying it to doing it there is a big stretch."
Spanish Proverb
I am great at finding information about a problem and getting the point. Implementing it in my life? Not so much... I tend to be the sort of person who gets very excited about a new concept and puts it to work for a while, but stops doing it the minute it feels better. Then I find myself back to square one. However, if I want to see real change in my life, I know that have to apply the things that I have learned and persevere with them until they become habits for life. Let's make no bones about it: it's HARD WORK. I keep hearing the voice of the dance teacher in Fame in my head, when she says to her students: "You want fame? Fame costs, and right here is where you start paying, in sweat.
Looks like emotional health is just as hard to achieve, if not harder, than fame...
Related post The Insignificance of Feeling Better
Related post The Insignificance of Feeling Better
It is hard. Really damn hard. That's right where I've been lately, thinking how much harder it is at times now. Like before, the hurts from NM added up, but they were doled out in little pieces, over time. Like eating the proverbial elephant, I was just taking it all bit by bit. But through this healing, sometimes I feel the full weight of all those pieces of elephant. Like one big narc elephant is sitting on me. Finding out that all those little hurts add up to one very large hurt when looked at as a whole.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm going to keep working at it...
That's the other side of taking the red pill, isn't it? That not only you "see" the reality but you also "feel" it in it's full strength. After so many years of numbing emotions the intensity of the pain took me by surprise. The elephant analogy is very apt. I also feel like I'm doing a herculean effort to lift this elephant. But I'm going to keep working at it too. xx
DeleteWhen we're feeling better, it's tempting to lie to ourselves about being "healed", and/or procrastinate 'til the next crisis. Once you're stable again and feeling better, who wants to feel lousy again, right? Or the biggest issue I've had to come to grips with is that "insight" is not enough. Healing takes "practice."
ReplyDeleteHealing-or-enlightenment-or-mental health, (whatever our goal might be) requires a willing dedication to reality. I love this quote by Scott Peck: "...we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant, and indeed, even welcome it in the service for truth."
There's more to the quote but that sums things up nicely. I may have posted this quote to you before...(?) Guess you know I meant it when I said it's been sitting beside my computer for the past decade. ha!
I put one of CS's comments on my blog's favorite quotes page. She summed up our healing process in one sentence, "This shit ain't easy," she wrote, "It's work man, work."
Her quote makes me laugh and it inspires me too because REALITY ain't easy to accept. It's hard work and that right there is "mental health man, mental health."
Love,
CZ
I remember the quote CZ, I think you quoted it in one of your comments in your blog. I saved it in my ipod notes. I have a stack of saved quotes so that I can read them when I am waiting or travelling. I think having reminders around is helpful since we tend to forget so quickly. :P I'm going to save CS's one too now :)
DeletePart of the problem is also that a lot of Acons have issues about work since we got so little encouragement or recognition when we did work as children, it's all part of the "learned helplessness", but the funny thing is that for the first time in my life "work" feels good, and not just something to get through as another chore. That is progress too :)
Love,
Kara
I am humbled and honored (but really full of myself and preening with self-importance, right?) to be quoted on CZBZ's quote page. Thanks CZ!!
DeleteI think I'll start my own favorite quotes page. Maybe we can all pool our favorite quotes somewhere (here, or my place, or Kitty's, or all of us) so we'll have things to read to get us through those boring conversations with narcs. CZ, do you accept quote contributions for consideration for your page?xoxox
"so we'll have things to read to get us through those boring conversations with narcs." What a great idea! :) xxoo
DeleteIt took me a long time to learn I was missing other pieces. Now, I'm learning that healing is a whole symphony of things I have to do. And you are not kidding about it being HARD WORK. But it IS doable.
ReplyDelete"a whole symphony of things I have to do." That just how it feels, that there is SO MUCH to change at once. I suppose, on the plus side, that at least now we know what we have to do, which is a big advantage over where we were years ago. xx
DeleteHealing does take practice - and lots of it!!! Thankfully (sort of), there are lots of narcissists to practice with... Boundaries are hard for me in real life, even though I understand them intellectually - part of it is that they are relatively fluid in reality, but have to be rigid with narcissists. So getting the narcissist part is easy, but with other relationships, we can bend or strengthen depending on the situation - and sometimes we guess wrong and it feels scary, since our experience with porous boundaries always ends so badly with N's... and of course this overlaps with intuition, which we've been taught to ignore, but listening to our intuition makes the boundary issues less dangerous... All the parts just seem to have to work together and getting it all to work out smoothly sometimes seems impossible - and then I just want to hole up and not go out there! I'm heading back out tomorrow...
ReplyDeleteIt's like re-learning all the things we should have been taught as children :P One of the biggest disservices our parents did to us was to "teach" us to override our instincts. Which is nuts when you think about it because it's like asking you to turn off your house alarm system! I'm reading a book about this subject at the moment called "Blink", I'm going to write about it once I finish it.
DeleteI so know what you mean about wanting to hole up and not go out there... Hope it goes well tomorrow xx
I like Toto's optimistic point that 'thankfully (sort of) there are lots of narcs to practice with." When I still had hope about my mother, I would feel like freaking Sisyphus pushing that rock up the mountain, knowing that sooner or later it would roll back down to the bottom. Now it's like I woke up, two years ago, Neo unplugged from the Matrix. That's how it felt. Emotional landscape bleak. Welcome to the desert of the REal. The thing is, you can lay down new soil and other stuff starts to grow in. There will always be a big hole where parental/maternal love should have been. I try to plant around it. But it all takes tending. Work, man. Work.
ReplyDeleteYes, I liked Toto's point too. And realistically, even if we manage to have NC or LC with our FOO, there are plenty of new narcs to go around (in work places, acquaintances and other settings) so this "narc management" we're learning with still come in useful.
DeleteThe desert of the real is brutal, there's no point denying it. However, once you get over the initial shock you realise the amount of freedom that goes with it. The freedom to create your own landscape and answer to no-one. A lot of work indeed, but how much better to work for this than for our FOO's ongoing "scripted stage show" ;)
P. S. I have borrowed The Matrix dvd from a friend so I can watch it again, it was a long time since I saw it and I only vaguely remember it.
I can't stand Keanu Reeves, and the movie is cheesy, but the premise is great, and perfect for us. I'm off to the doc for cortisone shots in arms. So look out you guys. With relief from pain will come tons of boring blathering from me. Get your screwdrivers ready (Kitty)!
DeleteHaha, look forward to read the coming wave of posts :D (Hope the injections will not be too painful.) xx
DeleteGreat topic, great conversation. I can relate to it all. I've written many, many posts on this topic, including one which the Peck quote reminded me of called The Insignificance of Feeling Better. (Don't mean to advertise, here, sorry, this is just what I thought of). Is it any wonder there are so many walking wounded out there? Of COURSE this shit is hard! Who wants to take responsibility for things that aren't their fault? Who wants to face down their emotional pain? Who wants to live with both feet firmly planted in reality? Who wants to believe that their parents didn't love them? Practically no one, unless they must do these things to stay alive themselves...
ReplyDelete(That last is paraphrased from "The 12 Steps and !2 Traditions, Step 1." It's talking about getting sober, of course, but it fits this topic, too.)
And no, we'll never run out of folks to practice on, that's for sure.
CS, looking forward to your upcoming wave of posts and SO glad you'll be pain free! No screwdriver required.
Kitty XX00
"Who wants to take responsibility for things that aren't their fault? Who wants to face down their emotional pain? Who wants to live with both feet firmly planted in reality? Who wants to believe that their parents didn't love them?" Yes indeed, who? Those are really tough questions, no wonder people will do almost anything rather than face them...
DeleteFeel free to post any links to your posts that are related to the subject, on this post or any others. It all adds to the discussion. The more we are able to talk about these things openly, the better.
Hugs,
Kara
actually I was joking about the "tons" of boring blathering. Just a trickle of boring blathering. :-)
Deletehaha looking forward to the trickle then ;)
DeleteOK, thanks Kara, I always feel like I'm, I don't know, taking advantage or turning attention to myself when I refer to my own blog, so thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteKitty
But you're not taking advantage or turning attention to yourself: you're contributing to the post. I'm sure you'd be just as happy to point out to any article that was relevant to the theme, it is just that in this case the article happens to be written by you. And I'm really glad you mentioned it because it is very good.
DeleteKara xx
I agree with Kara here. Let's not be shy about referring each other to our own posts on relevant topics. We do it with the aim of helping each other. I know I find it immensely helpful to have these tips, it saves me from having to hunt around sometimes, esp when time is tight. I think we all trust each other and know that we're not competing, we're complementing each others' experiences. OK, I felt a little like that Cumbayah caricature of late; but I know I felt shy and a little self-centeredy-sounding referring Kitty to a post; and I just want to state here that anyone can refer anyone else to their own post on a topic, on my blog, anytime they want and i will NOT feel "usurped," "competed with for readers," or that anyone is "hijacking." Scout's Honor. love CS. Night Kara.
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