"Exposure to other people’s pathology (and the corresponding emotional, physical/sexual abuse) can, and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD. Our psychological and emotional systems are simply not wired for long-term exposure to someone else’s abnormal psychology. Often the result is a conglomeration of ‘aftermath’ symptoms that include PTSD, which is described as ‘a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.’
The profound and long-term effects of PTSD create what I refer to as a ‘cracked vessel.’ The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person. While treatment can ‘glue the crack back together’, and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again."
It shed light on why as soon as life gets too hectic or I am dealing with too many "arrows" at once, I crash. Badly. I lose all the energy in my body. I am unable to move. It's as if the body has "yanked" me out of life into a "repair workshop" and I am not allowed to move until the work is done. DH said to me yesterday that my problem is that I don't stop when I'm tired, and I had to agree. It makes sense that the inner compass in my body just takes the reigns and makes me stop whether I want it or not. One of the articles in the website discussed the need for people who have been through trauma to "live a gentler live". Can I live a "gentler life"? Looks like I'm going to have to learn how to. No point being so busy and then crashing so badly that you can't do anything for days.
On this last crash I was so drained I couldn't even write but I was able to sketch a little. I was going to attempt to do a sketch inspired by the painting in the post on The Cracked Vessel, and in Modigliani's style for CZBZ -whose profile is a painting of Modigliani- for sharing the link. So I had one go and it was ok, but I wasn't exactly what I wanted. Then I had another idea: to sketch Jeanne Hébuterne with her dress as a cracked vessel, and this is what came out:
Wow... I never thought about having to live a gentler life... I mean, I never thought quite in those terms. Something to think about. Interesting sketch.
ReplyDeleteThanks Judy, yes, I hadn't thought of it in those terms either. I guess it's about finding a lifestyle that suits our temperament.
DeleteKara, this is very cool, a beautiful sketch. Even when you're depleted you are still able to create something of beauty. I love that we can share our artwork, not because we think we're so good (at least I don't, I'm a pretty rank amateur), but because it reveals somehting about our spirits. The idea that we're just not wired to deal with PDs of others, over long periods of time, is so helpful to me. hope you are getting some restful time. thanks for sharing this drawing. It's charismatic. love CS
ReplyDeleteThanks CS. I never studied drawing and I haven't drawn for years, mainly because I was always trying to be "productive", (the rest of my FOO are not artistic at all) so I felt like I was being lazy if I did. I also used to worry a lot about not being good, until I realise that, like singing or other skills, we should do it for the fun of it, at the end of the day, does it matter if we're not very good at something? It's not like we're being paid to perform ;) One of Nigel Slater's cookery books made a really good point on this subject, (In the UK there's such a lot of pressure for people to cook like tv chefs, that everyone turns into a wreck when they have to have people over for dinner) he said something like: chill out, we're only making ourselves something to eat. :) love xx
DeleteLove the quote from Nigel Slater. That is a great point he makes.
DeleteI think it's a lovely portrait. Who knew you were an artist!
ReplyDeleteI sure hope you can give yourself some gentleness. You deserve it, as the kind and gentle soul you are. Please take care of yourself. XOX
Thank you for the kind words Jess. Feeling a little better today :) XXOO
DeleteWhat a lovely drawing, Kara--add this to your list of talents and skills! You are truly an amazing woman. Do you also paint? I wish I knew more about art. My college background is all math and science, although I absolutely loved the one art history course I took.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading about adrenal fatigue. I know that understanding PTSD helped me understand why I am the way I am better. I also had to adjust my expectations of myself. I know now that I will never accomplish all that I wish to accomplish in life simply because I need more down time than other people. I can't push myself too hard or I crash just as you talk about. I was never able to cram while in college, or work super late hours at my job. Instead, I always stayed on top of things so I rarely had to do any of that. I didn't know it at the time, but now I know this was a way I took care of myself. Now that I know this, I apply it across my entire life. Luckily, Jim is much the same way. He grew up in a similar FOO, and though he works insane hours during the week, he needs the whole weekend to recover. If our weekend starts to get too busy, we both get anxious about it. This past weekend, we were gone all day Saturday late into the evening (Kentucky Derby festivities, it was fun), and then had an invite on Sunday which we both decided we didn't want to do, so we declined. I'm so grateful we share this, because I would hate to be with someone who always wanted to go, go, go.
I was angry at my parents for a long time because of this. If they had given me a proper start in life, who knows where I would be today, right? But I let go of this long ago. I began to see my life not as a list of accomplishments but rather as a dance, as Alan Watts calls it. In a way, it became a gift rather than a curse. So I am okay with all of this today, and just try to take care of myself around it, increasing my tolerance for anxiety and stress as I can and where needed. :-)
A cracked vessel is the perfect metaphor for PTSD. We are still complete and functional, but we do have to be careful about how much water we take on because we are more sensitive to the pressure than others. That is me to a "T." Thanks for sharing this post. I think it's a really important topic.
Love,
Kitty
Thank you Kitty. I can paint though, like drawing, I don't have any formal training and I haven't done it for years. DH has always tried to encouraged me to take it up again and would buy me paints and all sorts of equipment, but I always felt too "blocked" to even think about what I wanted to paint. Now I seem to be finding inspiration in unexpected places ;) I understand the feelings of anger you had about your parents. I feel that way too when I read about painters whose parents encouraged them. When I was little, one of my uncles, who was studying Architecture at Uni at the time, saw me draw a house and told my parents to enrol me in an Arts School, but my parents thought there'd be too many extra-school activities, we were having swimming lessons at the time. However they never did enrol me even after we stopped taking the swimming lessons, so I reckon it was more about them not wanting to bother -this school was the other side of the city-. More than anything I could have accomplished with it, I think it would have been nice for me to be able to do something I loved and meet other people who loved it too. But there you are...
DeleteI like the idea of looking at life more like a dance than a list of accomplishments. Maybe the biggest accomplishment is that we've made it this far, when so many don't. The woman in the drawing killed herself at 22.
Love,
Kara
That is just heartbreaking. So very, very sad. Suicide is the ultimate waste of life, I think. I have known too many who took that route...
DeleteAnd yes, I think it is an accomplishment that we've gotten this far. That's a great example of changing your expectations. It's very sad that we didn't have parents who encouraged us to find our passions and pursue them. I think I will grieve this for the rest of my life. But there is nothing we can do but accept it and get on with life. I know that is way too trite a statement for how deep this grief goes, but there you have it. That's the bag of poop we're left holding.
After reading the links on adrenal fatigue, I became suspicious at the generality of the symptoms listed, and the fact that so much of it seemed like a sales pitch, so I did some more research. It turns out that adrenal fatigue gets a lot of attention in the alternative medicine world, but there is no scientific evidence that it is a real condition. Here is a link I found about it:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/fatigued-by-a-fake-disease/
Having said that, I do believe that there are real, physical conditions that occur as a result of PTSD, especially for those of us who lived with chronic stress for the first 18 years of our lives. While I would be wary of buying a lot of supplements or therapy offered as cures for adrenal fatigue, I think self care is very important. Living a gentler life has been key for me, and I have no doubt that many of my physical symptoms are due to the PTSD I suffer from. Much of my recovery has centered around being gentler with myself on all levels and accepting my physical, mental, and emotional limitations.
Whatever we choose to call it, good self-care is always the answer, IMO. I don't mean to challenge anyone's beliefs, but I thought this different view of adrenal fatigue might be helpful.
Love,
Kitty
Hi Kitty,
DeleteI agree. I was going to write something along these lines in my next post. That although the books on AD make a lot of eating the right food and buying supplements and so on the real culprit is the stress we get from dealing with pathological people and from having a lifestyle that doesn't suit our metabolism. While I do think some supplements make a big difference, they can never solve the problem because the problem is from another source. I already touched on this on this post:
http://kara-throughthelookingglass.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/the-core-of-matter.html
While I was checking the book on AD over the weekend, trying to find the bit about alcoholism, I realised that it touches a lot on the effect that people have on us but doesn't fully explore it. But then if they admitted that that is the primary source of the problem, they wouldn't have anything to sell, would they?
Love,
Kara
ooops the link I meant was this: http://kara-throughthelookingglass.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/adrenal-fatigue.html
Delete"But then if they admitted that that is the primary source of the problem, they wouldn't have anything to sell, would they? " Yep. Absolutely. It's also true that these are just phenomenally complex problems to solve, involving every aspect of our lives. Adrenal fatigue? Sure, maybe. But you're so right that diet and supplements won't "fix" it. They are part of the solution, but equally important is self-care and having better relationships and figuring out how to say NO. Etc, etc., etc.
DeleteI love the saying that when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. The adrenal fatigue guy sees everything in a.f. terms because he believes he has a solution for this. It's not that this solution isn't helpful, because I think it is. It's just vastly incomplete. We need hammers, but we also need axes, saws, screwdrivers, files, and so many more tools in our toolbox. The more ways we approach the problem, the better we'll understand it and the better able we'll be to handle it.
A lot of people (like CS's NM) spend their lives jumping from one easy fix to another, never really embracing the truth that it's not an either/or, it's all of it. I'm glad not to be one of these people, because this approach rarely solves anything. But the deeper truth is that people take this approach because they don't really want to solve anything; they just want to look like they do. A large portion of the self-help industry caters to these folks, I think.
Ahh, sorry for the rant. Suffice to say that once again, you and I are on the same page. Everything you've said here fits for me. Love that!!
XX00,Kitty
Dear Kara,
ReplyDeleteIt's soooooo validating when someone references your name in a post and after a rough week with "personal relationships", it made me feel seen and heard and valued! Most of my daily life in our home goes unnoticed (such is the fate of the everyday housewife, ha) and that's okay. Doesn't bother me as long as my adrenal glands are functioning properly.
Jest kiddin' re: the adrenals; about which I know close to nothing!! When Sandra Brown wrote about Adrenal Fatigue, a few people on the WoN forum questioned whether or not Brown was benefiting financially for promoting an 'unscientific' remedy. I don't have any clue whether Sandra received a kickback for her promotion (highly doubtful). I believe her motivation is honest. She sincerely wants to help women recover from pathological relationships and if this works for even a small percentage, its worth a try.
I am a very gentle person who needs ample amounts of solitude and quiet time. I figured this out long before fully understanding the emotional fall-out of my childhood. Living with my X was like being married to the Tasmanian Devil---go, go, go (as Kitty mentioned she would have found intolerable). My sister who lives with me is like that too and it drives me to distraction because I am perfectly content sitting with my nephew watching movies. Being in crowds of people or cocktail parties and social events, absolutely drains me. My sister comes alive *just like my X* and they both complained about being bored JUST WHEN I THOUGHT life was perfect!!
I used to have panic attacks when I have not had since divorcing my X. I'm sure those panic attacks stemmed from childhood and he was merely the trigger for awakening unhealed/untreated emotional trauma. I can't overpraise the joys of solitude, knowing I won't be interrupted by someone insisting on climbing Mount Everest that week-end after swimming with sharks and skydiving. ;-)
For quite a few years, I felt obliged to join my X (or at least watch him drop out of the sky) and then I woke up and said, "Get a buddy who wants to sky dive with you and I'll have the casserole ready when you get home." It wasn't too long after that that he found her. hehehe
Love,
CZ
"For quite a few years, I felt obliged to join my X (or at least watch him drop out of the sky) and then I woke up and said, "Get a buddy who wants to sky dive with you and I'll have the casserole ready when you get home." It wasn't too long after that that he found her. hehehe" lololol. Good for you CZ! Hard and awful and painful as it all was, you are so much better off today, aren't you?? Sorry you're having a bad week with 'personal relationships.' I hope it's going better for you today, or will be soon.
DeleteJust to be clear, it wasn't Sandra Brown's website that made me wary. Her site felt genuine and honestly helpful. It was Dr. Wilson's site, which she linked to for the "adrenal fatigue quiz" (which I passed with flying colors, BTW). And again, I absolutely believe there is a physical aspect to emotional trauma. I just question whether it can be boiled down to adrenal glands. Like the trauma itself, it's probably waaaaaayyy more complicated than that. Wilson may be onto something, but I believe it is a small part of a bigger something. Helpful, but not a cure.
Just sayin'.
XX00,
Kitty
Thanks, Kitty. I am better off, yup and slowly eliminating Tasmanian Devils out of my life.
DeleteI didn't think you were questioning Sandra Brown (hope my comment didn't sound that way!) but some of the people on the forum were concerned. It's refreshing to read a conversation like yours and Kara's, openly questioning Dr. Wilson's claims and thinking critically. People can get soo huffy over stuff like this. It's a pleasure participating in a group that is invested in the truth, not ego!
To be fair to Dr. Wilson, in his book he does talk about other strategies to cope such as getting enough rest, learning to breath properly, and learning to re-frame events. I just think he doesn't highlight enough the impact of people's pathology on our bodies and how to manage people. I guess he then would have to branch out into giving assertiveness courses ;) This is why I think Western Medicine is so limited in dealing with issues like this one, they focus on one aspect while missing the complexity of all the factors involved. It seems to me like they think of human bodies as cars, that if you replace a damaged piece, voilà! the problem is sorted, and we all know it doesn't quite work like that.
DeleteI think it's so funny that you called your ex a "Tasmanian Devil", DH and I used to call my sister "Road Runner", funny how they all invoke similar pictures in our minds ;) xxoo
No, CZ, your comment didn't sound that way. I had wanted to make the clarification in my original comment and forgot. And I also enjoy conversations that hold truth as a higher value than ego or being right. It's rare, and I value it more than I can say.
DeleteKara, thanks for the clarification about Dr. Wilson. I think I see what you're saying now, and what your main issue is with him. And I agree about Western medicine, too. They tend to treat only the body and ignore the mind and spirit, when we all know that the connection is undeniable. That was one thing I liked about The Chemistry of Joy book, that he addressed all three aspects in the treatment of depression. That, too, is rare. XX00
Hello Kara. Great post! How other people’s problems affect us, I feel, depends on a person’s sensitivity or lack of it. I always feel tired at stressful times, after traumatic events or visiting someone who is poorly. I feel it is ‘Mother Nature’ telling us to rest and heal. A little sleep does wonders for me.
ReplyDeleteI love your drawing, so engaging and enigmatic; you have captured her (Jeanne Hebuterene) gentleness.
Love, Molly
Hi Molly,
DeleteYou're so right about the tiredness being a natural consequence of those events. What I find hard is to allow myself rest, without feeling like I'm "slacking". There seems to be so much pressure for all of us to go on as if we were machines instead of human beings.
Thanks for the compliment on the drawing. I really appreciate it.
Love,
Kara
"It shed light on why as soon as life gets too hectic or I am dealing with too many "arrows" at once, I crash. Badly. I lose all the energy in my body. I am unable to move. It's as if the body has "yanked" me out of life into a "repair workshop" and I am not allowed to move until the work is done."
ReplyDeleteI feel like this too. I have been on the recuperation from the SiL/BiL visit and after the visit I continued to keep moving. I finally crashed this week. I like the analogy to the cracked vessel. It helps me understand when I go through a collapse in recovery. When it gets too much at one time, it feels like I have lost my way in recovery. And other times when I'm not exposed to such pathology I feel strong and alive and that I can get through the recovery.
In reference to your and Kitty's discussion about being angry at our parents for not letting us find our own way and develop them - in one of Brene Brown's book she references a story about a boy who loved to draw and how his father put a stop to it because his uncle made a comment to his father that they were raising a gay man (another word was used). His drawing stopped and he went on to work in a different field and never drew again. Brown's comments were about how we / parents can prevent the next Picasso or the next scientist to cure cancer. When she put it like that it was heartbreaking. To think that if we don't allow each other to develop into who we are what we keep truly hidden from the world.
The sketch is beautiful; thank you for sharing it.
Hugs, T
Thank you TR. I'm the same as you: when I am not exposed to such pathology, I also feel strong and alive. It's almost like a form of radioactivity :P An osteopath I used to see years ago picked up on this and said to me: your body is organically affected by your environment, if things are ok you're ok but if they're not your body is affected by it.
DeleteThat story about the boy who used to draw is heartbreaking. What a thing for the uncle to say. There's a whole discussion there on the uncle's comment. Talk about subtle manipulation... Those sort of taunts are so insidious. The father should have told the uncle to "think what he liked" and not let his manipulation stop him from allowing his son to do something he enjoyed and and was good at.
Hugs,
Kara
The story is heartbreaking. And as much as the uncle's response was awful what is more awful is the father's response. He stopped drawing lessons and took down the paintings in the house of his son. There was no more talk about it in the house. In the end, the father's behaviours were the actual problem. There will be many people who come into our lives and say and do awful things - just imagine if our parents had responded to all the cruelty out there in a different way. It would have changed our world.
DeleteLove, T
I thoroughly agree. It was the father's job to stand up for the son. It's obvious that the father cared more about how it reflected on him than about his son's happiness. It was our parents job to stand up for us. Yes, I can imagine how different our lives would have been if our parents had supported us, instead of thinking only of themselves. This is where, I think, the logic of the ubiquitous "they did the best they could" fails miserably. Because it's not a case of doing "the best they could", it's a case of standing up and defending your children when they're under attack, and that it's the most basic work of a parent, (aside from feeding and provide shelter), animals do it instinctively. There is something really wrong at the core of any parent who does not do this.
DeleteLove,
Kara