When someone's imposing something upon you, they're trying to remove your choice (and overstepping your boundaries)
She makes the point that:
"Imposers dress up their boundary busting behaviour and demands as 'requests'. Just say no and then you'll see that they were never asking..."
Yes, that's exactly it: "they were never asking". It was a command, albeit a 'disguised' one. Saying no is like challenging Darth Vader to a fight to the death, because then comes the change of tone, the anger and the sulking. And their sending you the non-verbal message that they.are.not.happy.with.you AT ALL. I'm starting to suspect that these 'requests' are not just about getting NS but also an exercise of their power. It's a power struggle. So every now and then they come up with something they want you to do just to see if you'll do it and reassure themselves that they still have the 'upper hand' (i.e. power/control over us). Because if this was simply a suggestion or a request, there would be no issue when we say no, but that is never the case, is it?
I feel like I'm back 5 years ago, at the time when I had started to say no to my sister, and now I'm about to go through the same process with my mother all over again. I wonder what will be revealed if I continue to refuse her
Sometimes I think these articles pop up just when we need them.
ReplyDeleteYou make some great points. They are not requests, but orders we are expected to follow.
Although I can imagine it feels monumental to "start over", I don't think you are truly starting over. You have so many more tools, you are so much stronger, you have so much more knowledge. I think it will be much easier this time around (although I do think your mother is going to give you a harder time than your sister. I know you can do it, though.)
Saying no is never easy when it comes to an N. Maybe you can think about the "worst case scenario". What is the worst that can happen if you say no? She throws a fit? She yells at you? She calls you names? If she does, you hang up and walk away. She doesn't get to determine your worth and what you need to do in life. I know, that's easier said than done, but sometimes doing this has helped me stop the unending anxiety that comes over me when I think about it.
Thanks for the encouragement Jess. I also feel that my mother is going to give me a much harder time than my sister. I know I can do it but I'm resenting having to do it. Does that make sense?
DeleteThinking of a worst case scenario definitely helps. My mother is not the type to yell, throw a fit or call names. She's a moody sulker. I need to learn to not let it affect me.
Oh, my goodness. I'm going through that right now. How dare I make their life difficult because what they're asking is such a small thing... wow. Go you!
ReplyDeleteYou too Judy. We can do this. We have the tools now :)
DeleteYou were under NO obligation to make that call. Your mother can't do anything to you. I know you resent having to do it. She's still exercising presumptuousness, and that's what's so irksome!
ReplyDeleteYes, it's bad enough that she was trying to "twist my arm" but for her to be all gingerly about it, only to show the face of "Medusa" the minute I refuse, it very irritating.
DeleteExactly, they are not asking! The article was great, I liked the "Don't green code red light behaviour". I can understand resenting the fact you have to deal with her sulking. Sulking, pouting, crying, etc. are manipulation tactics I find very tricky to deal with.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's a great website. I liked the "Don't green code red light behaviour" too, and also the "it's a flush and go situation" ;)
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