Courage

“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” Marianne Williamson

* I tried to find the credits for the illustration but failed. If you know who the artist is, let me know.

Careless People

         I watched "The Great Gatsby" the weekend before last. Not the new version, but the old one with Mia Farrow and Robert Redford. I had seen it once before, when I was in my teens, and I remembered something of the story, but not much: that Gatsby was a rich man that threw extravagant parties, and that there was a car accident where the girl was driving. I had also read the book in my twenties, but didn't remember much from it either. (Apart of the quote at the beginning: "whenever you feel like criticising someone...")
        However, watching it now, with everything I know about Narcissism, was like looking at the story under an entirely new angle.  The whole story is about Narcissistic people who are so self-absorbed, they fail to see the reality about those around them. 
        The conversation between the owner of the petrol station and the neighbour who is "trying" to console him, is a classic dialogue of two people not "hearing" each other. There are many other examples throughout the film. 
        There seems to be a lot division of opinion over whether "The Great Gatsby" is a good book or not, and from what I read, (after I watched the film and deciding to do a bit of research,) a lot of people don't like the story because they don't like the characters. As I read their comments, I thought: "But that's the whole point: you're not meant to like them". This story, whether F. Scott Fitzgerald meant it as such or not, is a cautionary tale. It should come with the following warning on the front of the book (or the film, for that matter):

"This is a story about careless people who "smash up things and creatures and then retreat back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it is that keeps them together, and let other people clean up the mess they make.” You will encounter people like this too, so pay attention, and when you do encounter them, don't let them come into your life." 

The Sixth Floor

 Last night I was watching a French film (The Women on the 6th floor) and one of the characters says the following: 

( The film is about a Parisian couple who hire a Spanish maid and thus, come into contact with all the Spanish maids who live in the 6th floor of their building. Seeing how these Spanish maids approach life, changes the French couple's outlook on life) 

"Those women on the 6th floor are alive. We are dead. We need to find our 6th floor."

Talk about serendipity happening again... ;)

The Walking Dead, the Walking Wounded and the Living

The phone conversation I had with my aunts on my last visit to my parents, made me wonder about how on earth they can carry on, repeating the same words -just like the Tolstoy character mentioned in my previous post- year after year, and not feel bored to death of it. You must be pretty "switched off" to be able to live like that. I remember that when I came off the phone after talking to one of them, I thought: "Wow, she's just like a zombie." A "walking dead" going through life as if through a set of pointless motions, doing the same things over and over, saying the same things over and over... and I'm not saying that having a routine is a bad thing, but that they way these people approach life is completely devoid of meaning or/and connection. People like that make me feel just like Tolstoy describes the "aunt's victims" felt: "her victims made their escape with a sense of relief at having performed a tiresome duty, and took care not to go near her again for the rest of the evening."

It makes one want to run away from them. 

When I was a teenager, I watched a horror-comedy film about a vampire hunter professor set in the 19th Century. I don't remember much about the story, but there's one scene that is etched in my mind like a photography still. In this scene, the professor, his attendant and the tavern keeper's daughter are dancing in ball at the castle. It's one of those balls where people go around the room in rows. In one of the walls of this ballroom there's a huge mirror. When the three characters find themselves in front of the mirror they realise they can only see their own reflection, which means everybody else around them is a vampire. I remember the sheer horror of thinking: "Oh no! they are ALL dead" and that feeling, is very much the feeling that I got after speaking to my aunts. Like I was talking to a "figure" but there was no life inside it.
The vampire analogy is very fitting, because you always feel drained of energy after spending time with these types. Since they have no "life" in themselves, they must get it from other sources. That's why they're always so obsessed with what other people are doing or wearing or eating.  Since they unable to create their own stuff, they feed on that of others. 
The "walking wounded" are a bit more tricky. Some are ok and some are 50/50. Meaning, that they might suck your energy at times but not always. I have a friend that is like that. I appreciate that she lets me be who I am and tell the truth about my FOO. She is also from a dysfunctional family. I used to think we were talking about similar struggles, and I would share everything I've learned about how to cope with dysfunctional FOOs. However, over time, I noticed a big difference between her and me: she never tried to apply the things I had shared with her. She would complain about her mother and her siblings but would still go back for more every time. I couldn't understand why she was doing this, until one day she was showed me a piece of expensive jewellery her mother had bought her. "Ah, there's always an explanation..." I thought "there's a pay off to what she puts up with". It makes you look differently at people when you see that they're happy to "take the payment", and that their complaining is not about resolution but about bitching. I guess it's hard to tell when you don't know someone very well, because both look like a "complaint"; it's only with what they do afterwards that you know which one the person is about. A bit like those girls who would bitch about their boyfriends endlessly, only to go back to them every time. That's been a big lesson for me: I'd assumed that because when I talk about a problem I want a solution, everybody else does too. But that couldn't be further from the truth. A lot of people complain to let off steam, or to feel superior than the person they're complaining about.  I guess we can all be guilty of that every now and then. So I try to let people (and myself) off the hook.  For me, the issue here is the "stuckness". When they start to sound like a "scratched record" every time. My mother is like that. She would tell me the same complaint year after year as if she was reciting a poem from memory. It was like a recording in her head. Just press play and the words would come out in exactly the same order every time. "How many times has she told this story..." I wondered "for it to become embedded in her head to this degree?"
The way I look at this now is that, if that's what they want to do (complain endlessly on a loop) that's their prerogative, but it's also my prerogative not to have to listen to it. One thing I realised with another friend, who is always ranting about one thing or another, is that there's plenty of other people who are willing to listen and join in. It doesn't have to be us.  Personally, I've found that spending to much time with people who are stuck, keeps one stuck too, and that's when resentment creeps in. That's what happened with my siblings. They didn't want to become healthier and I resented them for it. In reality, I didn't need to. All I had to say is: "Fine, you stay there if you want, but I'm off". It's the feeling "obliged" to stay "there" with them, what makes one resentful, but if you don't "stay there" then they're not so much of an issue. I guess it's as just unfair to both parties for one to expect the other to keep up, or for one to expect the other to stay behind. You can see why relationships like that always end up feeling strained. 
Some people though, make you feel like you've been "re-charged" after spending time with them. There's an interchange of true humanity there. They "see" you as a person and you "see" them too. They make one feel "alive and kicking". Those are the healthier types: the "living". I'm aiming to spend more time with the "living" this year.   

Serendipity...

After having written about aunts on my other blog, today I bumped into this excerpt while reading "War and Peace". Looks like, once again, Tolstoy was there before me...

"Everyone had to go through the same ceremony of greeting this old aunt whom not one of them knew or wanted to know or was interested in, while Anna Pavlovna in pensive silence solemnly observed and approved the exchange of formalities. Ma tante repeated the same words to each, asking after the visitor's health and reporting on her own and on that of her Majesty, 'who was better today, thank God'. Politely trying to betray no undue haste, her victims made their escape with a sense of relief at having performed a tiresome duty, and took care not to go near her again for the rest of the evening."

Narc Slayer

My friend CZBZ from The Narcissism Continuum very kindly nominated me for The Narcissistic Slayer Award.
What does it mean to be a Narc Slayer? For me, it's about "slaying" the power Ns have (had) over me, by not JADEing, or allowing myself to be manipulated by them. By saying NO. It's about doing what I want to do and saying what I want to say. It also means to "slay" my own Narcissism by not "feeding" my ego. It is indeed, a two way thing, because it's so easy to spot it in others, not so easy to see in oneself.

The rules for this award are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them.

2. Put the award’s logo on your blog.

3. Write a blog post and share the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required.

4.  Inform your nominees on their site.

5.  Share one positive thing that you took away from your relationship with a Narcissist.

Thank you CZ for nominating me for this award, and for your generosity in sharing the knowledge and experience that you have. It has been invaluable in my progress. 

I'd like to nominate the following blogs:

http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/

http://scatharisingfromashes.blogspot.co.uk/

What I took away from my relationship with Narcissists, is finding that I had an inner strength and integrity I didn't know I had. Like the famous saying: "What doesn't kill you makes stronger", and in the case of having had to deal with Narcissists, "if it doesn't kill you, it will make you manipulation-free." I still remember a day in the aftermath, when the realisation dawned on me that the Narcissists I knew had, unwittingly, done me a favour. Once I had been subject to the whole range of their tricks, and once I was able to see them for what they were, I became "immune" to them. And being immune to manipulation, though having been learned in a very painful way, it's truly a gift.

When I started writing in 2012 I didn't expect that anyone would read my blog, let alone that I would get an award. I didn't imagine either, that I would have been able to do the things I have accomplished during this time. Like holding my own with people like "El Zorro" without batting an eyelid, or being able to visit my FOO without being sucked up in their "merry-go-round"; but I do not take credit for this just for myself, these feats would not have been possible without the support I've had from you guys. So a big THANK YOU to you too. It's amazing what you can do when you feel backed up. 

The Return Of El Zorro

   Blogger TR (from In Bad Company) uses an expression about Ns that I think it expresses very well what they do. She says that "they don't do feelings, they do feelers - they put a feeler out to see what the reception will be" and we (ACoNs) end up offering "exactly what they wanted without them having to ask." This is very much my experience too. However, I'm quickly learning how NOT to "give them what they want without having to ask". I'm paying particular attention to how one of my friends (who is not an ACoN) handles people who do this and I'm taking notes. Here is how she handled El Zorro recently:
   Last week she got a text from him saying that he would be visiting the town where she lives, with a friend -his armour bearer, I presume ;)- (and btw, no mention of the "instant girlfriend" at all). Just that. Not: "I'm coming over with so-and-so and we'd like to meet up with you, etc, etc" but a simple "notification" that he's coming over. 
So my friend replied: "That's nice. I hope you both have a great time". Simply.Brilliant. Don't you think? ;)