Last night I watched the film "Winter's Bone". Though it was painful and bleak, quite brutal even, I thought it was a very accurate allegory of the emotional life of ACoNs. I related so much to the 17 year old character "Ree", who has to look after her mentally ill mother and her two younger siblings, with her father gone and hardly any help from anyone around her. To her "having a family", even an extended family that in reality not only amounted to no family at all, but did damage to her as well. And isn't just that the emotional landscape that we ACoNs grow up with? With a mother who is not a mother, a father who is emotionally absent, and having to be the emotional "parent"to your siblings (and sometimes your parents as well) without any help, any guidance or any support.
What is so striking about the film is how all the adults in the film are not adults at all. Most of them are on drugs and unable to be "present" for her or to offer any assistance. All they can give is "scraps". She outshines them all in maturity, common sense and sensibleness. They have nothing to offer her (emotionally) because they are all in such a mess themselves and can't get out, let alone help her. You know how we all grew up hearing about how we should listen to "older ones" because of them having more experience on life? When I was in my late twenties/early thirties I felt that there was no one to go to for answers because they "older" ones seemed to be in a bigger mess (emotionally speaking) that I was, and how could they help me? One of them even said to me: "You're working things out in your thirties that we're only now working out (in our sixties)". When she said that, I thought: "What hope is there for me then, if the ones that are suppose to show me the way, haven't got a clue themselves?"
The adults being on drugs represented to me how all the adults in my FOO (including my extended FOO) were "hooked" on Narcissistic Supply. TR has a brilliant post about how NS is a form of drug addiction (see http://inbadcompanyinc.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/narcissist-supply-one/ ) The kids (I'm including cousins here) don't get a look in because all the attention is going in the direction of the adults. Because of this, the cousins don't develop close connections among themselves either.
Though the film is very raw and certainly not for the faint hearted, I found Ree's character inspiring: her tenacity and determination to push past all the obstacles she faces, and on her own strength; her self-respect in how she refuses to lower herself to their level; her dignity in how she says to her little brother: “Never. Never ask for what ought to be offered.”
I don't know if the film depiction of the people who live in the Ozarks was accurate or not, but as a depiction of the struggles of a teenager to survive among adults who don't know what they're doing, is spot on.
Wow. As I read, I also thought about how movies have to depict the problem with drug addicts because so many people would never believe some adults choose to not accept responsibility of their own free will. "Outsiders" don't understand that drama is the drug of choice. Thanks for sharing ((Kara))
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. ((Judy)) And you make a brilliant point: "movies have to depict the problem with drug addicts because so many people would never believe some adults choose to not accept responsibility of their own free will." So so true...
DeleteThis is an interesting post. I've never seen the film, but I will need to check it out.
ReplyDeleteI think it's really hard to forge a path, all on our own. To have to make our way with little to no guidance. I was thinking today how difficult it is to not have a mother to lean on, to guide me, to give me advice (sure, she WOULD give me advice, but her maturity level is so low that it would be useless to me).
I remember once saying to NM how it was hard to relate to any of mine or DH's siblings, as they always seemed like such children. I never felt like we had an "equal" relationship, but rather parent and child. NM assured me that, as we got older, it would "even out". It never did. They remain children, and DH and I have moved past that into adult relationships. They think they are grown up, but they are SO far from it.
The only bright spot in this that I see is that, AT LEAST, we are seeing this stuff in our 30s. We aren't wasting a whole life away before we get to the "meat" of things. Not to knock people who are figuring this out later in life, but I do think it's a positive thing to start sorting through it earlier. It gives me some hope of a peaceful future.
And although we may have no one to follow, but maybe there is something to be said for forging our own path.
Thanks Jess. Yes, I am grateful too that I have been able to see this stuff now and not later. I agree that there is something to be said for forging our own path. In fact, one of my favourite quotes is: "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." XO
DeleteHi Kara,
ReplyDeleteI would like to check out the movie.
Like Jessie said, how nice it would be to have a mother to guide, get advice from - to have that kind of support. I remember learning from an early age not to lean on her, ask her questions. I learned a lot through embarrassing school moments and friends.
It is very much in Indian cultures and in others that you respect 'elders' ALL the time. No matter what. They are wiser but that isn't true in dysfunctional family systems. As what was said to you, they are trying to figure it out, lost or destroying others along their path.
I like Ree's advice to her brother. Don't ask for what ought to be offered. Love, respect - stuff I thought I had to 'earn' and become worthy of. xxTR
Thanks TR. Yes, that's the thing, in "theory" older people should know better and be a guide for the younger generation. I think this is still true of tribal societies (you can see examples in documentaries like the brilliant BBC one: The Human Planet) but it seems to me that in the West it is hard to find older people who can teach their younger. Even when Narcissism isn't present, there seems to be a lot of dysfunction. I think the Cleese/Skynner book touched on this, but can't remember if it was in their book about Families or the follow up one. xx
DeleteI saw the movie. I loved the movie. Jennifer Lawrence played a real female hero. I'll never forget her performance!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I wanted to add is that we've made huge strides in self-development theory. The Internet sped things up by disseminating information about healthy families, portraying alternative ways to construct families. Before the Internet, people were clearing the weeds for those of us who walk that path today. It was frightening to even question old paradigms and patterns of behavior that had been accepted as normal for generations. And then we had John Bradshaw who said, "Your family is dysfunctional," and the world went to hell in a hand basket.
The Internet facilitated healthy recovery, making it easier to find people with similar experiences. Connecting with THOSE people makes all the difference. People had to search high-and-low for "validation" before the Internet made support groups and information just one click away. I bless my computer each and every day. ha!
Hugs
CZ
Jennifer Lawrence's performance was impressive for someone so young. I thought all the other actors were very good too.
DeleteI'm so grateful for the internet and for having found you all too :)
Love,
Kara
Hi Kara, I saw that movie a few years ago. I didn't connect it to ACoNs, but now I see how true that is. Your post really makes sense of the experience we all grew up with (without the crushing stark poverty, maybe, for most of us). "Don't ask for what ought to be offered." Think how many years we have fought for love, respect, engagement, being taken seriously as people within our FOOs. I've have talked myself blue in the face with my NM, and lavender in the face with my NF (most recently on our last Skype, where I was quite honest about how I felt like I was not allowed to be a person around him. Just a puppet who behaved in a certain way so as not to set him off. Elders, another myth that has no application at all in dysfunctional FOOs. Because narc parents are in arrested development, and always have been.
ReplyDelete"Don't ask for what ought to be offered." That phrase resonated with me so much that I think it's going to be embedded in my brain as if it had been engraved with a branding iron. There is something so empowering and validating about it. I guess it's because it frees one of going after things that should have been a "given".
DeleteYour father saying that he wanted you to be low key, is like that scene in the film where Ree goes to her uncle to ask for help and he tells her to stop looking for her father, (in other words: "don't be a nuisance, remain low key") Different setting but same message: "don't ask me for anything, just be there in the background and preferably quiet" :P