Thursday 27 March 2014

The Walking Dead, the Walking Wounded and the Living

The phone conversation I had with my aunts on my last visit to my parents, made me wonder about how on earth they can carry on, repeating the same words -just like the Tolstoy character mentioned in my previous post- year after year, and not feel bored to death of it. You must be pretty "switched off" to be able to live like that. I remember that when I came off the phone after talking to one of them, I thought: "Wow, she's just like a zombie." A "walking dead" going through life as if through a set of pointless motions, doing the same things over and over, saying the same things over and over... and I'm not saying that having a routine is a bad thing, but that they way these people approach life is completely devoid of meaning or/and connection. People like that make me feel just like Tolstoy describes the "aunt's victims" felt: "her victims made their escape with a sense of relief at having performed a tiresome duty, and took care not to go near her again for the rest of the evening."

It makes one want to run away from them. 

When I was a teenager, I watched a horror-comedy film about a vampire hunter professor set in the 19th Century. I don't remember much about the story, but there's one scene that is etched in my mind like a photography still. In this scene, the professor, his attendant and the tavern keeper's daughter are dancing in ball at the castle. It's one of those balls where people go around the room in rows. In one of the walls of this ballroom there's a huge mirror. When the three characters find themselves in front of the mirror they realise they can only see their own reflection, which means everybody else around them is a vampire. I remember the sheer horror of thinking: "Oh no! they are ALL dead" and that feeling, is very much the feeling that I got after speaking to my aunts. Like I was talking to a "figure" but there was no life inside it.
The vampire analogy is very fitting, because you always feel drained of energy after spending time with these types. Since they have no "life" in themselves, they must get it from other sources. That's why they're always so obsessed with what other people are doing or wearing or eating.  Since they unable to create their own stuff, they feed on that of others. 
The "walking wounded" are a bit more tricky. Some are ok and some are 50/50. Meaning, that they might suck your energy at times but not always. I have a friend that is like that. I appreciate that she lets me be who I am and tell the truth about my FOO. She is also from a dysfunctional family. I used to think we were talking about similar struggles, and I would share everything I've learned about how to cope with dysfunctional FOOs. However, over time, I noticed a big difference between her and me: she never tried to apply the things I had shared with her. She would complain about her mother and her siblings but would still go back for more every time. I couldn't understand why she was doing this, until one day she was showed me a piece of expensive jewellery her mother had bought her. "Ah, there's always an explanation..." I thought "there's a pay off to what she puts up with". It makes you look differently at people when you see that they're happy to "take the payment", and that their complaining is not about resolution but about bitching. I guess it's hard to tell when you don't know someone very well, because both look like a "complaint"; it's only with what they do afterwards that you know which one the person is about. A bit like those girls who would bitch about their boyfriends endlessly, only to go back to them every time. That's been a big lesson for me: I'd assumed that because when I talk about a problem I want a solution, everybody else does too. But that couldn't be further from the truth. A lot of people complain to let off steam, or to feel superior than the person they're complaining about.  I guess we can all be guilty of that every now and then. So I try to let people (and myself) off the hook.  For me, the issue here is the "stuckness". When they start to sound like a "scratched record" every time. My mother is like that. She would tell me the same complaint year after year as if she was reciting a poem from memory. It was like a recording in her head. Just press play and the words would come out in exactly the same order every time. "How many times has she told this story..." I wondered "for it to become embedded in her head to this degree?"
The way I look at this now is that, if that's what they want to do (complain endlessly on a loop) that's their prerogative, but it's also my prerogative not to have to listen to it. One thing I realised with another friend, who is always ranting about one thing or another, is that there's plenty of other people who are willing to listen and join in. It doesn't have to be us.  Personally, I've found that spending to much time with people who are stuck, keeps one stuck too, and that's when resentment creeps in. That's what happened with my siblings. They didn't want to become healthier and I resented them for it. In reality, I didn't need to. All I had to say is: "Fine, you stay there if you want, but I'm off". It's the feeling "obliged" to stay "there" with them, what makes one resentful, but if you don't "stay there" then they're not so much of an issue. I guess it's as just unfair to both parties for one to expect the other to keep up, or for one to expect the other to stay behind. You can see why relationships like that always end up feeling strained. 
Some people though, make you feel like you've been "re-charged" after spending time with them. There's an interchange of true humanity there. They "see" you as a person and you "see" them too. They make one feel "alive and kicking". Those are the healthier types: the "living". I'm aiming to spend more time with the "living" this year.   

14 comments:

  1. I frequently worry I'm one of those who is stuck with the payoff. I have a roof over my head. I do understand what you mean by those who are content to stay stuck. More than one friendship has ended because I keep working to move forward. Spend time with the living! I like that goal!

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    1. Judy, you are so NOT stuck with the pay off. You're constantly looking for ways to become healthier and sharing them with us. My friend does literally nothing to change her situation. :)

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    2. I think Judy, that sometimes we all get stuck in that spot. Or we need to let steam off. Or we don't progress because we don't know how at the moment. But I think, if we look at this the same way we look at narcs, it's the pattern of behaviors over time that really show the truth. Anyone can change here or there, but, if over the long haul, nothing has changed (like Kara says) than they are stuck. And they are choosing to be stuck for some pay off (whether it is to alleviate fear, or out of laziness, or fear of change, or money, or valuables, or whatever.)

      Kara, this is a really good post, chalk full of good points. And I think it helps us to identify those "energy suckers" around us. I really like what you say in the last paragraph about people who you feel "recharged" by. People in which there is an exchange of humanity. Because I think it's unrealistic to expect that someone who is healthy will never complain or have trouble in life. But true friends see your struggles and help to lift you up (and vice versa) and also share in your joys too. And extreme to the ends is suspicious to me (I was reading something about how true friends are there when the going gets tough. But I know some people who ONLY show up when times are tough. They are not true friends, but vultures of one type or another.)

      I do wonder how one can live life in an endless loop. Like that movie Ground Hogs Day. DH and I were talking about that the other day. About how so many people are just like mice or other animals who will follow the same path over and over and over. They never stray from the groove they've worked out unless something forces them off. I think routine is important to give stability in life, but only when it's balanced out by having a full, progressing, and interesting life. One in which life has a purpose instead of just "existing". (And the purpose doesn't have to be something spectacular, just to be better at the end than you were at the beginning.)
      Thanks for sharing.

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    3. "And the purpose doesn't have to be something spectacular, just to be better at the end than you were at the beginning." Good point, Jessie. Thanks.

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    4. "it's the pattern of behaviors over time that really show the truth." Yes, I think that too. And we're talking about a looong period of time, not someone going through a phase or a bad patch. When people choose to remain stuck, there's usually a pay off somewhere, one of my siblings admitted as much last time I visited the FOO.

      I think you make a good point of the people who only show up when times are tough. Mr. Ego and his cronies are like that. They'd only be interested in you if they could "help" you with something, otherwise they had no time for you. It was a messed up set up because it means that you only get their friendship if you're struggling, but who would want to remain struggling forever? - I know now that some people do, but I'm not one of them ;) -
      I like your analogy of the film Groundhog Day. Some people live in Groundhog day every day. :P

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    5. Yes, I've found people who are only interested in "helping" you are rarely actual looking out for your best interests. Whether it be to be powerful, get you to owe them, or to make THEMSELVES look good (you can't look generous and helpful if you have no one to help!) MIL and my SIL are both like that. It looks so good on the "outside" but I think they like the image it creates by comparison. They look like they have their act together and are living life "better" when they hang around someone who is struggling. At least that's what I think they believe. They love to be the rescuer...and maybe then they think they won't ever have to be the rescued.

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    6. That's so true. They want you to stay in the position of "struggler" so they can look like they have it all together. I realised this when I tried to give back to them and they wouldn't let me. They'd always say: "We're ok, thanks" "Don't need anything, thanks". So then I started to be "ok, thanks" and to "not need anything, thanks" and that was that. Our paths never crossed again ;)

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  2. Great post Kara. That memory about the mirror and everyone else being vampires, that's something out of a nightmare, isn't it? And yet sometimes reality is like this. Zombified relationships. It's what I have with my NF. Listening to the repetition-loop, word for word. It sucks the life out of you. I agree that we have to let our siblings 'go.' I too felt like they should "see" what I was seeing. It was futile. They have their own investments in it, and the payoffs are obviously there for them, figurative and literal. But it means detaching from them, because the enmeshed will never just let you comfortably be unmeshed. You'll always feel the tug to get back into their weave. Thanks for writing this, a really clear picture of the gray area of moving "out."

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    1. Thanks CS. It is something out of a nightmare, and probably, the reason why I found that scene so chilling, is that deep down I could relate to it, even if I didn't know it at the time.
      I think the reason why the siblings don't want us to be "unmeshed" is because it shows them that they could do the same, and they don't want to. They want to continue supporting a "system" that benefits them. :P

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  3. There is so much good and important stuff in this post. Your words made me think of things in my own life, especially from my childhood. I was nodding in agreement with what you wrote here so much I almost fell off my chair! LOL!

    Oh! I get this 'stuck' issue deep in my tissues! Over and over...yes, I've been in the presence of two people...my mother and a former friend..(one I just dumped after 20 years because she was so stuck, and totally resistant to any idea of change and she pulled me into her mud. LOL) She had a passive-aggressive personality and you can't make much with those folk. They destroy trust.

    This issue of stuck. I have brothers who are stuck. They have given up any struggle against the malignant narcissist mother because they are waiting for the payoff. Her death and her stuff. I have been disherited because I walked away from her abuse. I refused to be a scapegoat. These years gone has allowed me perspective on the 'stuck'. Both siblings are narcissists, one very lazyand the other? I believe crazy in some fundamental way. Beyond narcissism. So...it is good to get 'unstuck'. You have a chance at life, but not near the 'dear' narcissist. You just end up drained of blood. Vampires again.

    And I remember something that your post brought up. I remember in the late 80's being in the car with my mother. She just had her hair done, colored, and she kept asking me 'if I liked it'. Over and over and over in this short car ride. Not short enough! Back then I didn't have a clue what was wrong with her, but I had left home at 19 because of her verbal and emotional abuse. But it was evident from that car ride that something was 'wrong with mom' and there was nothing I could do to fix it. She was stuck. On herself. It was as if her mind had been wittled down to one thought, one expression. Ugh.

    Very good post here. It has lots of important aspects to it. An important article that I will read over and over. Thank you!

    Lady Nyo

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    1. Thank you LN. That must have been so eerie to have your mother asking you the same question over and over. There's definitely something wrong with their brain. She quite likely just wanted to hear your praise over and over. A proper N.
      I know what you mean about passive aggressives. It' impossible to be friends with them. You never know where you stand.

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  4. Not zombies and vampires! ha! You know those archetypes are my favorites--the energy-sucking soul-less vampire feeding on others to fill themselves. And the purposeless nihilistic zombie devoid of human emotion and conscience. Either zombie or vampire, I think society is recognizing its dysfunction to some degree. Even in ourselves...well, those of us that are able to introspect and make the kinds of changes that give our lives meaning and peace.

    Your post reminded me how hard it was listening to my X's childhood problems over and over and over and over and over and over without resolution of any kind. When people are doing that and they really are just 'stuck', they turn to other people for guidance---like therapists for example. They want to release the past. They want to treat other people and themselves better.

    Now I don't know why some people can't or won't do that but my tolerance for the "repetition compulsion" has decreased after seeing so many people (like yourself) literally work their butts off through self-help and professional help. They don't shy away from brutal self-introspection and honesty. So no more excuses for people on pity-parties lasting more than let's say, eight or nine years. ;-P

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    1. Haha yes, "no more excuses for people on pity-parties". I've been busting my butt off since 2007 and boy, it's hard work: there's so much to read and learn and apply that I get brain ache sometimes ;)

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    2. Yeah baby, a statute of limitations on pity parties. I'd say a decade on the outside for anyone who's a non-relative. There's gotta be a way off this carousel.

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