This is something I heard today being said about one of the Narcs mentioned in the post about handwriting:
"He says a lot of wrong things but never for the wrong reasons."
I have heard people making similar comments about this man for the last 10 years. There's something in this phrase that doesn't sit right with me.
"His intentions were good." "She meant well." Does it fit in with these sayings? I'm one of those people who believe that words should match intentions, which should match reasons, as much as humanly possible. Sloppy or cruel speech bespeaks sloppy and cruel thinking and reasoning, in my book. If you say something wrong, your reasons need work.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think those concepts are what the person was trying to convey but weirdly enough nobody had brought the narc up, except the person saying this, which didn't make any sense to me: why defend someone when no one has even made an accusation?
DeleteI agree with you that "Sloppy or cruel speech bespeaks sloppy and cruel thinking and reasoning", or like another saying puts it "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". If people complain to someone over the years that what he says is hurtful or thoughtless, and there is no change at all on that person, it is safe to assume that he really doesn't care that much about the feelings of those involved.
Agreed. Now lights out young lady :-) xo CS
Delete:D xx
Delete"He says a lot of wrong things but never for the wrong reasons."
ReplyDeleteYea, what does THAT mean? It's like someone saying "YOU are hideously ugly but I'm not saying that to make you FEEL bad. I'm saying it because it's true."
I no longer ASSUME someone meant well. If they meant well, they'd STOP saying wrong things. If they keep saying wrong things year after year after year, there must be some kind of reward or pay-off for them. If there were consequences to saying wrong things, maybe they'd stop.
YES! What on earth does that mean? I agree with you that if they meant well, they'd stop saying the wrong things. As I was reading your comment I remembered that someone else in that conversation said: "He puts his foot in it a lot but his heart is in the right place." I think he keeps saying all those things because people constantly make excuses for him. One thing I noticed about the way they were saying this, is that it sounded like they're trying to convince themselves.
DeleteYour point about the pay-off makes a lot of sense, I hadn't thought about that before in relation to this person. I'm going to give it some thought and see if I can work out what the pay off is. xx
P.S. I've just realised of something: the two people who made those statements also put their foot in it a lot. It occurred to me that when they make excuses for him, they're, in fact, making excuses for themselves (even if they're not aware of it).
DeleteI think your P.S. hits the nail on the head, K. That was my thought, anyway: that when people make excuses for others, it's so that they can remain sloppy, thoughtless, and lazy in their own actions. For years I wondered at people who say things like, "It's the only family you'll ever have" when I tell them about my FOO. I finally realized that they're not thinking about me and my FOO, they're thinking about themselves. That is, they're worried that if people "hold grudges" against their parents, that means that their own kids will hold grudges against them--WHICH MEANS THAT THEY KNOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP! But instead of dealing with it honestly, apologizing and trying to make things right, instead they perpetuate illusions and hope no one will notice so they can go on with life as they know it and not expect to have to change or own their behavior.
ReplyDeleteI think we all react to this because we've had so much of this emotional dishonesty in our lives, and it feels bad. Great post.
XX00,
Kitty
Thanks Kitty. No wonder everything is so confusing, there we are assuming that they're talking about somebody else when in reality they're were talking about themselves all along. I've should have known this really. I had read about this in one of Dale Carnegie's books: "I realize now that people are not thinking about you and me or caring what is said about us. They are thinking about themselves—before breakfast, after breakfast, and right on until ten minutes past midnight. They would be a thousand times more concerned about a slight headache of their own than they would about the news of your death or mine." At the time I thought he was exaggerating. Quite clearly not :P
DeletePeople like you and the other bloggers who can have a real conversation - without subtitles ;) - are rare.
Love,
Kara xxoo
ha! If I had a dime for 'I'm the only father you've got," or "she's the only mother you have," I'd be Bill Gates. I simply don't know what that even means anymore. Put up with crap treatment, no matter what? If a mother doesn't act like one, is she still a mother? That's a philosophical question, like the tree falling in the forest.
DeleteAnother two classics for the list of meaningless statements that people blurt out; right up there with "they mean well" or "they did the best they could". :P
Delete"Put up with crap treatment, no matter what? " Yes, I think that's exactly what it means. Because if you will, it means it's okay to expect other people (their own kids?) to.
DeleteThis is an interesting conversation that I've found to be quite thought provoking. I don't think I could add much.
ReplyDeleteBut I will say, during my recent family issue, with my aunt and my cousin's wife? The aunt said to me, "Her heart's in the right place, but she just says such horrible things." What? I remember thinking how illogical that was at the time. How can her heart be in the right place if she is saying horrible things? And then, in classic dysfunction, aunt said "but we would like to keep that just in our family. Not spread it out to others."
Wow, Jess, it's amazing how they all have the same excuse in their repertoire...
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