The Return Of El Zorro

   Blogger TR (from In Bad Company) uses an expression about Ns that I think it expresses very well what they do. She says that "they don't do feelings, they do feelers - they put a feeler out to see what the reception will be" and we (ACoNs) end up offering "exactly what they wanted without them having to ask." This is very much my experience too. However, I'm quickly learning how NOT to "give them what they want without having to ask". I'm paying particular attention to how one of my friends (who is not an ACoN) handles people who do this and I'm taking notes. Here is how she handled El Zorro recently:
   Last week she got a text from him saying that he would be visiting the town where she lives, with a friend -his armour bearer, I presume ;)- (and btw, no mention of the "instant girlfriend" at all). Just that. Not: "I'm coming over with so-and-so and we'd like to meet up with you, etc, etc" but a simple "notification" that he's coming over. 
So my friend replied: "That's nice. I hope you both have a great time". Simply.Brilliant. Don't you think? ;)

Don't Panic : A Guide For ACoNs

Most of the time when we have amygdala hijacks it's because of having to deal with situations that are triggering, and for which we don't have the tools to manage. Our body sends us a message to run because it doesn't know any other way to deal with them. Here are some tools I've learned over the course of the last year:

1) MEDIUM CHILL:
This I found on a forum on BDP, which is what I thought my mother had until I found NPD: 
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8928.0;wap2

2) DON'T JADE:
Do Not Justify
Do Not Argue
Do Not Defend
Do Not Explain Yourself
to a Narcissist or anyone with N tendencies, or anyone who attacks you, accuses you or tries to smear your reputation. Actually, come to think of it, let's add nosy and gossipy people to this list too. Oh, and trolls, cyber or otherwise.

http://the-one-you-feed.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/JADE


3) SAY TO YOURSELF: "THEY CAN THINK WHAT THEY LIKE" * when you start taking care of yourself and you know that they won't approve. Let's face it, when we were killing ourselves to keep them happy, they still wouldn't approve of us, so what have you got to lose? 
This really works, it's like Narc "kryptonite". I now could not care less what my FOO think of me, or what my sister tells people about me. 

 *(credit to blogger CS from Caliban's Sisters for coming up with the concept)

4) Be Ready to Walk Away.
After we bought the car we have now, I was telling one of my friends, who is a salesman, that I hadn't liked the car salesman at all. He said to me: "ALWAYS be ready to walk away". Even though the advice was a bit late for the car,  I think it's applicable to people too if you want to maintain healthy boundaries.

5) Quickly Change The Subject when talking to jellyfish, that is, if you have to talk to them at all. I try to avoid them like the plague myself. (Jellyfish is the term that the character Bridget Jones uses to describe people who love making stinging comments. Blogger T Reddy @ In Bad Company brought this term to my attention, and it has been really handy.)

6) Respond, Don't React. Easier said than done, I'm afraid. So learn everything you can about the Art of the Response. There's a lot of books and articles which deal with the subject. Also check Kitty's post on Reactivity.

(This post is going to be a work in progress. If you have any more suggestions for the tool kit, let me know and I'll add them to the list.)

Narc Management

Answer someone stupid according to his foolishness, 

that he may not become wise in his own eyes.

Prov 26:5

* * *

"Sydney, Australia: A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single check-in attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and demands preferential treatment.

Stroppy Passenger: I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS.
Check-In: I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.
Stroppy Passenger: (loudly, so whole queue can hear) DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHO I AM?
The check-in attendant's response was made using the public address microphone so that the whole terminal hears it.
Check-In: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please. We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.
The queuing passengers are now laughing.
Stroppy Passenger: F*** You!
Check-In: I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Someone my husband knows posted this story on FB. I suspect that this is one of those stories that circulate the net and quite probably not true. However, it did make me think that half of my problems with narcs are because of not knowing how to manage them. One of my goals this year is to learn more about how to manage situations in more effective ways.