Over these last few months I have been doing a lot of decorating/renovating work in the house. One thing that came to the surface, as I got on with this work, is how much I procrastinate when it comes to renovate things and how much resentment and irritation I feel over it. Thinking about it one day, I wondered where this came from, since - realistically speaking- renovating and replacing things that break is an unavoidable part of life. Why was it such an issue for me? When I dug a bit deeper, I realised that this was a learned behaviour, a flea from my FOO. My parents never took any joy in doing anything in the house. Since they rent, their mentality was that there was no point in "making it nice just to leave it to the landlord", (which would make sense if they'd only been there a couple of years, but have now been living there for nearly 40 years.) As I thought about it further, it struck me how Ns are like a Still Life painting: they don't learn anything new, they don't grow or change, they remain exactly the same as they have always been. When I think of my relationship with them, it's the same. It has remained at the same point that it has always been (not better, not worse) since as far as I can remember, and that it's odd, because when I think of my relationship with my husband it is completely different: we have changed and we have grown together and though we still have things to work on as a couple, we are closer than we were when we started our relationship. And that's how it should have been with my FOO. But it's not, because they're like 'static beings', stuck in a loop of their own creation, where everything is always the same and remains the same. They keep the 'loop' constantly in motion so as to give the impression of 'moving', but the loop is like a merry-go-round: it moves fast, but doesn't go anywhere.
They want their lives to look like a Still Life painting because that's what they live for: a "perfect" picture of themselves. Except that that only remains the same in the painting, the fruit the painter captured went on to rot eventually. In Spanish, the term for 'Still Life' is 'Dead Nature'. I wouldn't have put it better myself.
Naturaleza muerta
Still life is dead nature! There isn't any movement, any change and its so frustrating! What happens is that we try to "explain" their rigidity, rationalize why they haven't changed. IN some cases, we idealize it---suggesting people who don't change are more reliable, more stable and trustworthy than the rest of us fickle-minded fools.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed this as a trend on our society, when the refusal to compromise is viewed as a moral strength. ha! Well, if we've ever been around unchanging, uncompromising, rigid people, we realize the black-and-white mentality it's not a character strength. Life is always in motion, shifting and swaying with time. There's a cycle to life--from birth to death. We are in a constant state of change. Learning to "go with the flow" is living, opening ourselves to life and embracing change as fundamental to being alive and joyous.
love
CZ
I thoroughly agree CZ, refusal to compromise is not a moral strength per se. Admitting one can be wrong and being willing to change takes a lot more strength and it's sad that this is not more widely recognised.
DeleteThe same with change. Interestingly, both my grandmothers got stuck in the mindset of the times pre WW2. It's like they were trapped in a time loop. They did not move on with the times, and come to think of it, nor has my mother either.
Love,
Kara
Great connection, between your annoyance at renovation and your parents' static existence. Spanish "Dead Life." How amazing a translation. You're right, K, that a life w/o movement and change (even if one lives in the same place) is a dead life. I've thought for years of what's left of my relationship with NF as a zombie relationship; and before going NC with ET, thought that too. great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks CS. There's another Spanish phrase that fits here too "Renovarse o morir" (lit. "Renew(update) yourself or die" ;) xx
DeleteI'm glad you've found some insight into your "flea". That's huge! It gives you a new place to work from, I imagine.
ReplyDeleteWhen I finally woke up and realized that everything was the same as it had always been, I was shocked. Even with seemingly "new" things into their lives, the Ns never seemed to change. They seemed to want to live the same day over and over and over and seemed perfectly content with that. MIL is practically obsessive about keeping everything exactly the same as it's always been, trying to desperately to get her children to recreate her life for her in perfect duplicity. As I refused to become someone's clone, this is at the heart of a lot of our conflict.
I don't know how one can maintain a relationship with someone who remains static. I mean, if we are moving on, and they remain stationary, how are we to meet up? Traditions and some connections to the past can be good, but living entirely in the same way is stifling to me.
BTW, it's interesting to me that you have a "flea" of not wanting to change things at times, while also having a dislike of nostalgia and living in the past. I would imagine it's connected for you in some way....
Actually, come to think of it, it's not that I don't want to change things, but that I get irritated by having to do it. I would be ok with the change if someone else did the work ;) I think there's a layer of resentment at the root and perhaps I need to dig a bit deeper on this. Thanks for pointing it out.
DeleteI was shocked too when I realised that everything was the same as it had always been. It takes a bit of time to wrap your head around it. I don't think you can maintain a relationship with someone who remains static, because like you said they get left behind. Unless you are prepared to stay behind with them, which we know we are not ;) xx
Hi Kara,
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Still life is dead nature - I like finding other meanings as often it reveals something else deeper.
Indeed, there is a static to the relationship. It reminds me of my in-laws because I tell DH it is like the movie, Groundhog's Day where the guy relives the same day over and over again. I feel like that when I am with them. The same questions get asked, not only every visit but within the same visit. I am still asked which school I went to, how to spell my last name and if I have brothers and sisters. It is comical, almost like a television sitcom that the broadcaster plays over and over again. xx
Wow, they still ask you if you have brothers and sisters?? That's unbelievable.
DeleteIt's is just like Groundhog Day, it can make one feel like one is going mad sometimes... xx
Groundhog Day, that's how I've described it too.
DeleteI can't believe they still ask those same questions, how invalidating.
It is invalidating, that is a good way to sum up all of our 'conversations'. xx
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